A few months ago I uploaded a very random post about being happy, and in there I explained what I was feeling back then. Today's post is also going to be about my feelings and my thoughts. It has been inspired by a youtube video that I have watched almost an hour ago and by a post of one of my bestest friends.

I have never been diagnosed with something related to depression or something related in anyway but that does not mean that I am a happy and lively person the whole time. Most of the time I spend by myself (and unfortunately it is a looot) I dedicate it to think about my life and everything that surrounds me. And I do not know why It has been a couple of weeks that I have not been feeling very well.

It has been over a month since I started university and everything is not great. I mean, the people that I have just met are amazing. They are very kind and great. But what is happening to me is that I didn't get to study what I really wanted to because I did not have the grades enough to do it. So now I had to enter into a career that I do not love. Actually I can not even decide if I like it yet. I wanted to do Biotechnology and instead of that I am doing Chemical engineering. It is just okay. I do not hate it but I do not feel passionate about it. Because of that I have lost almost all my motivation and now I am not feeling good about it. I go to university because I have to if I do want to have a future but really lately what I  would love more than anything is just stay in bed and disconnect from the world. I know that now I feel more depressed or something and in two days I will be just fine but it is an issue that really worries me.

Moreover, a few weeks ago I decided to start two youtube channels (and I still want to keep up with it) but I have not been feeling confident enough or even happy or cheerful to film some videos that I would actually like to upload.

The video that I told you at the beginning of the post has inspired me to write this because I can relate my situation to what that girl is feeling. There are some times when you are feeling down and you do not know why. It happens to me very very often. And it really frustrates me. There are moments when I feel like crap and I do not know what to do about it because I really don't know what caused it.

I think that these feelings are due to a quite dark time of my high-school years when I suffered a lot and although most of the time I feel like I am so over it, there are other moments when I still feel nervous and sad about it. It was a time when I was almost completely alone. And I can tell you that feeling lonely is one of the worse feelings... These things that I am writing right now are some of my deepest thoughts. Many people close to me do not know about it and I think that I should express what I felt back then as I did not tell anyone how I was really feeling. I may seem like a very emotionally strong person but it is true that when my mind goes back to that time and those feelings I become the most vulnerable person of the world.

It has been almost three years from then and It still upsets me as if it was yesterday. I really don't know why I  am writing this or if it even does make any sense but I felt like I really needed to share those feelings with someone. The only positive thing I can see here is that what I felt when I was fifteen made me much stronger and mature. It made me grow up faster; while on the other hand it made me create this kind of wall inside of me because of what It is very hard for me to trust someone or to even gain someone trust.

In addition, I strongly believe on a sentence that I always have in mind and that I first heard in one of my all time favorite songs which is Who You Are by Jessie J. The sentence that I am talking about is: "It is okay not to be okay".

To sum up, I think I would have to figure out a way of making things work this year at university. Besides,  I believe that it does not matter how hard I try those sad and bad memories from a few years ago are always going to have a place on my head due to the pain and the suffering that they did make me feel. What pisses me the most is that these past few weeks I should have felt excited and happy as I am turning 18 in less than 24 hours but it has not been like that.

So yes, that is my post for today. I do not know it it makes sense or if it is even what you would like to read but I really needed to share these two things with somebody.

Thanks for reading

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BRIGHTON